*A note: I really hated Twilight. Like...a lot*

So this is my running commentary on Twilight...Enjoy!
*Band slam? Oh, Summit. You shame yourself
*FBI warning FTW!!!!
*Oh, look. It’s Bambi!
*Dear god, Bella. It’s a minute in to the movie and I already want to vomit.
*No, Bambi, No!
*Cactus? Really? You’re going to bring...a cactus?
*“You like purple, right?” That was sweet. I like the awkward Bella/Dad dynamic.
*Taylor Lautner, why are you wearing a wig?
*Ooooh Taaaaaylor. Your teeth. So white, so symetrical. Oh, wait. Something important is happening.
*Double pump the clutch. I know what you want Bella to double pump Jacob. I’m on to you.
*No town is so small that they do a feature on the new kid.
*Here come the pretty people. They’re all so pale and shiiiiiiny.
*The blonde one who looks like he’s in pain. Oh Jackson Rath-
*Oh, my. Rob, you’re so pale. And you have a bouffant. Why?
*And your scowling. Scowl, scowl. Grr.
*Jesus fucking christ could you be anymore obvious Edward? Covering your nose? Shit, fool.
*You don’t look sexy now. Just constipated.
*I luff this song. *Eyes on Fire-Blue Foundation*
*Run, Forest, run!
*Bella totally just fell on her ass. It was amusing.
*Oh. Hi, Edward. You look marginally less homicidal today.
**Swoons* You’re....so.....um. Must you smile like that?
*Now you’re both being awkward. Stop it. I dislike this.
*Oh, Edward....you’re wearing a t-shirt. And you’re arms. There so...arm-like.
*Bella, I know you’re compelled to be awkward. But stop. I mean it. Don’t.
*OH SNAPPLE THERE’S A VAN!!!!
*And it’s stopped by the sheer hunk of man that is Edward. *applauds*
*Ohhh, the shiny people look pissed.
*Dr. Cullen. You’re so blond. And pretty. Why are you all so pretty.
*Robert Pattinson, are you...wearing lipstick?
*Officially being creepy now, Edward.
*You can google it. Hehehehe.
**Jumps up and down* Alice! I love you! You’re so small and perky!
*Edward, you’re so manly. You can bounce an apple of your foot!
*Are you trying to flirt, Bella? Oh, you are.
*Umm, I think the smexy british dude is...well...smexy.
*Prom dress shopping scene! Essential to any good chick flick.
*Creepy dudes stalking pretty girl...less essential.
**Snickers* Did you just growl, Edward? You did! Oh, how scary! Not.
*Special diet. I’ll say.
*Money, sex, cat.
*Epic realization scene.
*Followed by sexy blood drinking sequence
*“Say it!” Dear Edward: You are V. creepy in this scene. Pls to be stopping now, yeah?
*Still doing it!
*Sparklepire! Sparklepire full of fail!
*“You’re beautiful.” And you’re dumb, Bella.
*Waa-waa. Waa fucking waa.
*Sparklepire montage
*Robert Pattinson in Ray*Bans...nom.
*Vegetarians....riiiiight.
*Staredown between the vamp and the old dude in a wheelchair. Whoo. Hardcore.
*Not the moats...teehehe.
*Oh, Rosalie. You’re so snarky. I love it.
*Oh, and Jasper. You look so...pained?
*Are you dancing now? No? Yes. You are. Awkwardly.
*Oh. Nope. You’re not.
*You better hold on tight spider monkey? Really? I mean, who says that?
*Oh Rpatz you’re so sexy when you play the piano.
*IT’S STEPHENIE MEYER! HI! CAMEO TIME CAMEO TIME!
*Wait, is that man wearing a yarmulke?
*No, its a little hat.
*Your sleep fascinates me and oh-
*Did you just fly backwards?
*Baseball? Really?
*Oooh. This is swanky.
*Oh. Wow. You’re like, floating.
*Some snarling. Grrr.
*Ahhh, poor Billy Burke.
*Really, James? You’re gonna make a vampire porn snuff film?
*Oh, cuz pepper spray is gonna work on a vampire.
*Some manly ass kicking.
*Mad props to Kirsten Stewart. Who made her pain so believable. Seriously, I was majorly uncomfortable with that scene.
*“Oh, you fell.” As opposed to, “Oh, a crazy vampire tried to eat you.”
*“Poor me, I’m a sparklepire! Angst whine angst!”
*Really, Bella? You thought he was gonna in to a sparklepire at your prom?
*OMG CLIFFHANGER!!!