New Moon Paraphrased

Bella: Woe! Dream sequence in a field! I am old in a mirror! Woe!

Edward: Woe? But I sparkle. Sparke woe?

Bella: Woe! It is my birthday! Woe! My father insists on giving me presents! Woe!

Edward: I shall walk in slow motion towards you. It will incite screams everywhere.

Bella: Lets go to English and read Romeo and Juliet coughthinlyveiledmetaphorcough.

Edward: Ah! Mortality! So fun! So golly!

Bella: Woe!

Cute Little Vampire: Present! Cake! STREAMERS!!!!!

Bella: Papercut. WOE!

Semi-attractive Other Not Edward Vampire: Rawr!

Edward: I shall protect you right into glass table!

Everyone else: Yumrawr?

Semi-Attractive Older Vampire: I fix you!

(later)
Bella: Woe! Kiss me!
(SEXUALTENSION)


Edward: Walk, lets?
Bella: Woe....?
Edward: I don't want you. Nyah nyah nyah.
Bella: Woe! I shall follow your retreating figure into the forest. I tripped!

(Later)
Bella: Months pass! I stare out the window! I scream in my sleep! Such woe.
Dad like person:....whiny little shit.....
(Later)
Dad like person: Go to Florida!
Bella: No.
DLP: GO!
Bella: But I have such w-
DLP: Don't say it. I mean, seriously, you don't have friends.
Bella: I do!

(Later)
Perfunctory Snotty Friend: Blahblah! Nothing important to the plot! Blah!.
Bella: Oh, hey, it's the bikers who tried to rape me last year. I'mma get on his motorcycle:
Perfunctory Snotty Friend:...What?
Bella: I am seeing visions of my vampire ex! I shall now do bad things to see him more!

(Later)
Bella: Ah! Hello, my long haired pretty face purely platonic friend.
Jacob:...Have you forgotten my name again?
Bella: No! Will you help me rebuild bikes?
Jacob: Will you let me in your pants?
Bella:....Mayhaps.
Jacob: Lets do it!

(and we're montaging, and we're montaging. Now they're driving, they're driving)
Bella: Oh no! Those three highly attractive half naked guys just jumped off a cliff. AMBULANCE???
Jacob: Cliff diving! Also, that one keeps giving me lascivious looks.
Bella: I do love me some foreshadowing

(And they're riding the bikes, they're riding the bikes. She sees Edward. She hits her head)
Bella: You're purty.
Jacob: Thanks!

(He won't return her calls. She mopes. She goes to his house)
Bella: You got a tattoo! And you're so ripped! And your hair is so short!
Jacob: Ugh. I have to go run with my half naked gang type thing now.
(Later)
(Half naked gang walk in unison)
Bella: I smack you!
Half naked dude: Ah hale no!
*Is wolf*
Bella: Snap! I'm running, running, running fast!
*Jacob is now also a wolf. And later, they all get muffins.*

Bella: Hmm. I think it would be fun to go cliff diving.

(Authors note: It was at this point that I threw an empty bunch a crunch box at the screen and screamed: "You dumb fucking....GAFGBSF!!!")

Little Vampire Girl: Oh hai! I'm back! You're supposed to be dead!
Bella: Nah.
LVG: Oh, well Sparkles McWhinerson thinks you are and he's going to ask the *EVILBADEVIL* people to kill him.
Bella: To Italy!

(They have somehow gotten a yellow Porsche, and changed wardrobes)
Bella: Woe! I must push my way through *SYMBOLIC* people in red cloaks and run through a fountain to keep my beloved from sparkling!

Edward: God, I'm hot. I'm going to unbutton my shirt sloooooooooooooowly.
Bella: WOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Edward: Oh...hey! Luff!
Bella: Luff!
EVIL Vampire: Chat?
Edward: If we must. However, I insist on going shirtless.
Everyone: HAI DAKOTA FANNING!
Dakota Fanning: Must. Be. More. Famous. Than. Miley. Cyrus.
(They have a lovely, modern elevator.)
Evil British Vampire: HellLLLLooooooOOOOOO.
Edward: Hey.
Evil British Vampire: No, no. HELLooooooOOOOO. Do it sexy! We're in Rome!
Dakota Fanning: Must. Get. Teen. Choice. Award.
Edward: Oh, btw, Evil British Vampire can read your EVERY THOUGHT EVER with ONE MEASLY TOUCH.
Evil British Vampire: Ohhh, yes. Edward you've been a veeeeery naughty boy.
Edward:....Um.....
Evil British Vampire: Oh, yes. Right. Drama. Um. Turn her in to a vampire...rawr....ahhh, this is effort. Can I have a crumpet? A brandy, perhaps?
Little Cute Vampire: OK!
(They go home)
Bella: Let's vote!
Pretty Blonde Vampire: No...but I have a legitimate reas-
Everyone else-SHHHH. YES!

Jacob: Woe.

The Audience: Oh, not you too.